childhood, slowly fading...

forgive me for not checking in here regularly. i got caught up with life and i'm not sure if i still have readers. anyways... 

in 2024, i lost two people i hold dear in my life. first, was my religion teacher whom i shared birthday with and some similarities like being the eldest in the family, relatives having same birthdays too and the like. when i finished primary school, my batch left a bad note in our school. i admit that i do not really like my primary school maybe because of some trauma i still suffer until now, some people i have wronged and burned bridges and a teacher i swore would never have a delicious breakfast his whole life (talk about being 11-years-old, huh?) but he's already forgiven, i swear. 

i do not intend to reconnect with some of my teachers. just that when i woke up in my hotel room and scrolled through my newsfeed came to me that my religion teacher passed away. i stood up and read the announcement five times. i could not believe it. i called up my mom. mom remembers my professor fondly because of their short chitchat after cards out. my 14-hour flight to Doha felt like forever, i was crying in and out of the lavatory trying to stop my tears. regrets start to seep in, i don't know what to really feel. i was just looking for answers to my questions until my pride could no longer hold it. 

i had to ask. i had to know. but i do not want to see her. regrets? hahaha on you self. i do not even know if i was forgiven, after several attempts. 

What a ride, 2023!

2022 may not be the best year where I cried most months and have almost surrendered in life but in return, 2023 (kind of) redeemed it.

KT Notes #2

These months have been quiet and it is you who I often think of. The nights are painful enough to remind me that it is the most time we spent together singing, laughing, sharing, making origami hearts together and being silent together. Coldplay had their concert 30-minutes away from your place and I wonder do you even know they were there? 

For KT: I'm scared to forget

I am becoming forgetful these days well, it started last year. I do not know if it's the stress kicked in or it's just my depressed mind trying to forget? I do not have answer for these. My grandmother told me it's probably about the stress and thinking a lot of things. My mum is too, but she denies it. When she forgets, everything is over. She will never listen.