forgive me for not checking in here regularly. i got caught up with life and i'm not sure if i still have readers. anyways...
in 2024, i lost two people i hold dear in my life. first, was my religion teacher whom i shared birthday with and some similarities like being the eldest in the family, relatives having same birthdays too and the like. when i finished primary school, my batch left a bad note in our school. i admit that i do not really like my primary school maybe because of some trauma i still suffer until now, some people i have wronged and burned bridges and a teacher i swore would never have a delicious breakfast his whole life (talk about being 11-years-old, huh?) but he's already forgiven, i swear.
i do not intend to reconnect with some of my teachers. just that when i woke up in my hotel room and scrolled through my newsfeed came to me that my religion teacher passed away. i stood up and read the announcement five times. i could not believe it. i called up my mom. mom remembers my professor fondly because of their short chitchat after cards out. my 14-hour flight to Doha felt like forever, i was crying in and out of the lavatory trying to stop my tears. regrets start to seep in, i don't know what to really feel. i was just looking for answers to my questions until my pride could no longer hold it.
i had to ask. i had to know. but i do not want to see her. regrets? hahaha on you self. i do not even know if i was forgiven, after several attempts.
the biscoff coffee latte available on board helped comfort but after flights, it would seep in (again). attending online mass for her did not made sense, i kept asking why. maybe because on our birthday, i chose not to greet because she seemed fine. she seemed okay. but boy was i scammed by that facebook page. taking these words from my friend Gia, "sinong kriminal ba ang aaminin ng kondisyon ng buhay nya!!!" made sense. we do not post unfortunate events in our lives on social media. we keep it. we only show the good ones.
my 12-year-old self will never understand s.y. 2009-2010. but i had to accept it and move on.
later in 2024, i lost my uncle who was fond of carrying and bring me to science fairs when i was young. after my graduation in primary school, he brought me along with my parents to aristocrat and told me that i am still the best among my batchmates, that honours are just titles and i cannot bring them to heaven when i die. and many more memories i encountered with him that inspired me to take up applied physics in college. he had his moments too when i wore skimpy clothes, uncle would send me back to my room to change modest clothes.
i do not want to see him in that state. he's always alive in my memory. i did not looked at him, i sat at the back just like my mum. i cried of course, but i saw my mum cried on her own (when we were asleep or i was pretending to sleep). my grandmummy is heartbroken.
this 2025, other two people who was involved in my life although not directly. first was a handsome priest who used to celebrate mass with his blue green pick up car in our school chapel in my primary school. my classmate who i had on and off friendship during those days liked to attend the mass just because well, he's gwapo. he was fluent in tagalog that you cannot scam him even in market transactions :)
my mum, who was a fan of his almusalita and shared his daliy reflections, informed me of his death. i did not believe her at first until i saw the news myself. i just saw his video weeks ago and his gone now? "wala na akong almusalita." - mum, 2025
the following day, just as i was preparing myself to work, came the news that Barbie Hsu or popularly known as San Chai from Meteor Garden passed away. quota na ako ng ganito, lord!
the san chai i tried to copy the pony tail braids where my former ate used to do in my hair, just because why not? we were both fans of barbie hsu! ate would pick me up on the dot (dismissal) so we could catch the tagalog dubbed meteor garden. i was in pre school.
reflecting on these four sad news, i felt like my childhood is slowly fading away. i remember my (even) younger self trying to catch up on missed novels, waking up on weekends where i would go with my mum for market, waiting for my school service to pick me up, dreading primary school mornings because i do not want it there (but had no choice).
i might sound ungrateful about my alma mater, but most of it helped me to become who i am today. my prayer life wouldn't be this way if it wasn't for them, if it wasn't for that religion teacher who was patient in teaching religion and english to us. i am still grateful.
some sisters i have reconnected with still thought the same about me, some were happy to (see) hear from me. that religion teacher? i would kill to see her even if its just for a minute. (she appeared frequently in my mum's dreams. wow.)
i am truly now an adult. i am nearing 30s, my family is aging, life continues to move forward (and faster).
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