I am becoming forgetful these days well, it started last year. I do not know if it's the stress kicked in or it's just my depressed mind trying to forget? I do not have answer for these. My grandmother told me it's probably about the stress and thinking a lot of things. My mum is too, but she denies it. When she forgets, everything is over. She will never listen.
I knew I said a lot of times that I can wait for you. My imagination and overthinking creeps me in whenever I'm idle or just laying down in my bed. I picked up a book titled The Piano Teacher which I bought from Booksale and has not been opened since I purchased it. Minutes later, I fell asleep. Same as when I read my law books, I fall asleep in a matter of minutes. Thus, the one sem break. On some days, I worry about my future and not becoming a lawyer which I could not accept. Last week, the bar exam results have been posted and my classmates have claimed their own dots on time. When mine will come? Only God and I could answer that. I begged for Him to give me another chance and this time, journey with him.
I'm scared to forget. My tender age of twenty-six is not reasonable to easily forget. I am still young (they say but my back pains ache like I'm in sixties already). I recently Googled ways on how to recover deleted files from the recycled bin and to my dismay I found out that I could only do that if I have a back up external drive which I currently do not have. I will try (do my best) to retrieve the files which I have deleted days after you left me. I will try (do my best) to find the songs you sent. I would want to listen to your voice over and over again---I do not know when will I get to hear your voice talking again. I miss that Singaporean accent and I'm scared I might forget how you sound.
Again, I am currently at this cycle of not wanting and controlling myself to not check your socials nor the email we used to communicate because if I do and see that you are actively posting and not responding to my emails, my fragile heart gets torn into thousand pieces. My overthinking sinks in and I would breakdown internally because let's face it, I do not have a private space in our home. Day by day, I try to relieve all the conversations we had before; the reassurance, the patience of waiting, the choice of loving each other until one day you finally chose Him and left me with a painstakingly message of "i love you". God, I am hanging by the thread.
Everyday, I think of you. Sunflowers remind me so much of you. Ukelele and piano, too. Whenever I go to the church and kneel, you're always in my prayers. To be faithful of your religious vocation, to help you resist and avoid temptations, to inspire you to write more beautiful passages and short reflections in life, to guide and take care of your family in Singapore.
Everyday, I am scared to forget. I hope you are too.
On Fr Jerry Orbos' short reflection on waiting, he said something about goodbyes are reassuring that someday, we will be with them but here, with God. I hold on to that too but I should remind myself that this is the reality, I'll have to accept God's will.
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