I don't remember quiet well who was my first love but I can remember who gave me what a first love feels like. I read somewhere that you always come back to your first love but in this case, I tell you it's the latter. The man I haven't heard from the past two months. I keep tracing back the days last year of what we were doing, perhaps when the days and nights were quiet hard to deal with but I kept trying to love his demons (he did loved mine too, he said) and later before Odette hit us, I was convinced that I indeed love him. I never loved someone to the point of forcing myself to understand him even more because, what's there to lose? We only wanted friendship, but deep love developed later on.
The first love where I learned love is a choice and not for a day.
A close relative said to give three months to wait. A spiritual director said he's currently on the process of a help his home was giving him. I'm glad to share with you what and how it happened and maybe what also he is doing, but not here. I will share that with you over a glass of beer/wine. *winks*
The heartbreak of knowing that Jadine, my forever favourite kakaibabe loveteam broke up 2 years ago is just the same as I felt about this. Recently, Nadine deleted everything James Reid related on her IG. I only found out through Facebook. I haven't even been on IG for 2 months, opened Twitter for the sake of not getting deleted, my love-hate relationship with Facebook because I have nothing to read on my phone. Uninstalled Reddit because it's draining me too. Now aside from school, I have nothing else to read, except wait for Telegram texts of people I love. I'm happy to have my Mum use Viber because Messenger sucks.
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How many times will I let myself be fooled by his promises? How many times will I let myself fall for a man who sang If, Yellow, Can't Help Falling In Love, Somewhere Over the Rainbow to me at nights? Who did not hanged up the call after we slept, who always came at 22.30pm and finish talking at 1am? Who practiced the bible reading every Thursday night for his turn on a Friday morning mass in his best Mandarin? Who practiced his ukelele every night? Anyone can do that, but his love and care, irreplaceable.
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Even though Jadine is over, they're still my favourite love team. And so does this man and I, minus whatever we had, I just want to hear from him. Closure, I guess? That abrupt "breakup" still hurts and I don't want to call it "breakup", at least my denial self has been putting it. Even though that Facebook page post looked like it was really him (I know how he posts, Chinese with its English translation along with hashtags and emojis). I feel mad because at this digital age there are lots of ways to let me know what we are now, besties or whatever. I just really want to know. I've sent texts to his LINE, Whatsapp, Telegram, emails, none. The radio silence saga as what I put it. I know how stern this man is when it comes to communications. He's not going to read it if he don't like. Sometimes, I think we're really over but the forever hopeful spirit in me is there. It's hard to be hopeful, you know.
Life sucks, but at least I have Jadine.
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